SATIRE: Multinationals Collapse, Former CEOs Blame Symbolic Protest
APRIL FOOLS!
BOSTON - Exactly 99 percent of the world's population rejoiced shortly after midnight Eastern Daylight Time when all of the world's multinational corporations simultaneously closed their doors and handed their ready cash over to federal treasuries in their countries of origin with a mandate to give it out "to each according to his or her need."
Puzzled stares from the assembled world news media greeted the now-former CEOs that filed in to the 1 a.m. press conference at the Boston Convention and Exhibition Center with hangdog looks on their faces.
Rex W. Tillerson, former CEO of Exxon Mobil was first to the podium, "We understand that everyone's confused about this precipitous move on the parts of the leaders of the largest capitalist institutions on the planet. But you have to understand we had no choice. Despite our well-chronicled o'erweening hubris and greed, we were forced out of business by a bunch of college kids, some non-profit staffers, and a handful of mid-level religious and labor leaders."
Holding back tears, Tillerson broke off in mid-sentence, "In the end they laid us low with ..."
"... symbolic protest," former Walmart CEO Doug Mcmillon continued smoothly. "It was all those placards and picket signs. And the form letters to elected officials from those pesky Harry Potter fans. And the precious social media campaigns with doe-eyed children and baby ducks."
"And the marching around and around in circles outside our headquarters," said former Royal Dutch Shell CEO Ben van Beurden. "And the flash mobs, and the building projections and sidewalk chalk art."
"And those puppets," former British Petroleum CEO Bob Dudley concluded. "We really couldn't stand the puppets. And let's not even talk about those giant hippie stilt puppets. You know, the ones made by that group from Vermont who give away that nasty garlic bread? Anyway, we really couldn't take it anymore. So yesterday we all met in Barbados and decided to give up. We'll all be reporting to the nearest prison as soon as we leave this presser to await the People's Justice."
The opposition was on hand to accept their unconditional surrender.
Ernest Doogooder of the noted international lobby group and junk mail producer People for Moral Suasion said, "We knew we had them up against the proverbial wall by last Friday. Like nearly a hundred of us were about to unleash a new hybrid protest chant based on an obscure Brazilian soccer cheer and some eight year old Common song. They couldn't handle the thought of us screaming it through our Radio Shack megaphone. That would have really really annoyed them at the next World Economic Forum for like 5, maybe 6, minutes."
As the event concluded, politicians across the globe prepared for the transition to socialism.
"It's not going to be easy," said Sen. Rand Paul (R-KY) while looking nervously over his shoulder, "but now that our corporate paymasters are gone forever, we've suddenly realized that our real bosses are the people we were elected to represent."
Every police, military and intelligence official on the planet declined to comment for this article ... except for one visiting Azerbaijani street cop who wondered aloud about who would bribe him to ignore labor, environmental, and human rights laws now that capitalism was coming to an end. A representative from a major global crime syndicate then appeared - seemingly from nowhere - to offer him sweet sweet candy and a piece of the action.
Representatives of global liberation movements are expected to meet later today on Boston Common to figure out how they can snatch defeat from the jaws of victory.
